A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
If you love a good laugh, but also don’t mind going to Hell, then dark jokes are for you. They may be full of wickedness and sin, but they can still make you chuckle. So if you’re feeling brave enough to take a risk with some dark humor, here’s the perfect place to start.
Just like Dark Memes, Dark jokes can be hilarious, but they can also be shocking and offensive. So, if you’re not afraid of going to hell, then these dark jokes are perfect for you! Whether it’s a pun or an absurdly morbid joke, these dark jokes will make sure that everyone has a good time – even if it’s in hell!
1 – An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
2 – I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
3 – I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
4 – My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
5 – When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
6 – What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
7 – They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
8 – Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
9 – My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
10 – When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
11 – Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face. For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
12 – Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
13 – “I work with animals,” the guy says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
14 – Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
15 – Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
16 – I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
17 – What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb COVID jokes? A pundemic.
18 – The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
19 – I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you still holding the ladder?”
20 – The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
21 – “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
22 – I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather,
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
23 – My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped, though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
24 – It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.
25 – You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
26 – Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
27 – If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
28 – I’ll never forget my dad’s last words, “erase my search history, son.”
29 – A teacher asked students to use “beans” in a sentence. A girl said, “my father grows beans.” A boy said, “my mother cooks beans.” said a boy. The third student said, “we are all human beans.”
30 – When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
31 – My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
32 – I bought my blind sister a cheese grater for her birthday. She later told me it was the most violent book she had ever read.
33 – A husband returns from work and finds his wife watching the Food Network. He asks, “Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook,” and the wife responds, “Why do you watch prn? You still can’t fck.”
34 – What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face after he turns 12.
35 – My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
36 – When two vegan parents get into an argument, is it still called beef?
37 – What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
38 – What do you call a lesbian with long nails? Single.
39 – My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now, he’ll really know what rejection feels like.
40 -Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
41 – What do peanut butter and strippers have in common? They both spread for bread.
42 – Do you know the one place where “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” don’t mean the same thing? A funeral.
43 – What do you call a duck on drugs? A quack head.
44 – What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile.
45 – What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
46 – Why do hospitals have air conditioning? To keep the vegetables nice and cool.
47 – In prison why is a white man scarier than a black man? Because he did it.
48 – What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
49 – What do you call people that insist on using the “pull out” method? Parents.
50 – What’s the similarity between a pregnant teen and the baby she is carrying?
Both are thinking, “shit, my mom is going to kill me.”